Princess Mantis - Or The Ignorance Of Filmmaking
by MysteryWriter2187
Summary: After watching a modern Disney film, Rocket and Groot join forces with Kraglin to make the greatest Princess movie of all time. Will they strike Oscar gold or find themselves toasting Box Office poison?
1. Bet

"And here's the big happy ending!" Quill said as they watched Anna walk over to Elsa on the ice rink. Gamora held close to Peter, smiling as they watched.

 _I like the open gatesǃ_

 _We are never closing them again._

"Wait, how did she make the skates?!" Rocket said, as Groot snapped **_"I am Groot!"_**

 _Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't skateǃ_

 _Oh, come on! You can do it!_

Mantis hummed along to the last few notes of the score as the film faded to black, leaving a bright snowflake on the screen. As the lights in the venue turned on, the Guardians sat up in their seats. Quill turned to Kraglin, who had a few small tears in his eyes. "You like it, Krag?"

"Oh, yeah. It was amazing, Pete!" Kraglin said. "I loved the message too. Y'know, this idea of family love overcomin' romantic love."

"It was indeed a powerful theme. The small, fat and white Groot was also a marvel to behold." Drax said. Rocket scoffed, saying "ah, it's overrated. And it didn't make no sense neither. When it came back to summer, the blonde'd be buck-ass nude."

" _Not saying I'd mind that_ , but I'm pretty sure she's always cold." Peter said. "Plus... she's like, wearing her other outfit underneath, right?"

"And how'd that red-head prince keep up the good guy charade for so long? I know for a fact that I'd have kicked his ass the second I saw the prick."

"It's a lot easier than it looks." Quill said, thinking back to their encounter with Ego. Rocket then said "look, aside from the fact that the one in blue had really great tits, that movie was a pile of garbage."

"Like you could do any better."

"I could do better!"

"Oh yeah, really Rocket?" Quill said. "You think you could make a better princess movie than Disney?"

"Yeah, course I could. I bet you guys, one week from now, that I could make the best princess movie of all time!"

"You're on, Ranger Rick!" Quill said, as Gamora groaned. "This is gonna end in disaster." She said to herself.

Rocket then said "and what was the point of that post-credits part? It's like they're shitting on you for waiting through the credits!"

* * *

 ** _Later..._**

Rocket sat on a desk with Groot, groaning as he tried to write a script.

"Ugh... and then they brought the heart to... NO!... and then the robot was left beh... No, that's stupid... and then..."

"Oh! I am Groot!" Groot said, as Rocket snapped "what? Why would the sheep be the bad guy?! SHIT!"

He crumpled up the umpteenth sheet of paper, dropping it in the bin beside him. Kraglin entered, saying "y'okay, Mr Directors?"

"Go away, Kraglin. We're busy."

"I just wanted to say, Rocket. Watchin' that movie made me realise what ma true callin' is!"

"And that would be..."

"I'm goin' to be a movie writer. And I got a script right here." Kraglin said as he pulled out his pamphlet. Rocket looked through the five pages, saying "oh wow. Wow. Really? Crap... whoa... this... this was incredible, Krag! It's friggin' art! We gotta make this a reality!"

"Way ahead o'ye. Drax and Mantis are in one of the ships now. We're gonna start filmin'. And we want you two to direct!"

"Well. What'd you say, Groot?" Rocket said as Groot put on a green director's cap. "I am Groot!"

"Great, woo-hoo!" Kraglin said. "Now we just gotta get our brave, dashing hero. And I know just who to play it!"


	2. Production

**_A bar somewhere on Xandar_**

"Hey! Hey, Nebula! It's me, Kraglin!" he called as the M-ship landed next to her. Nebula finished her drink, saying "what do you guys want?"

"Well, it is your lucky day!" Rocket said, before adding "Tell her, Krag."

"We're makin' a movie!" Kraglin said hyperactively. Mantis waved to Nebula, saying "we sold some of our stuff and raised 900 units!"

Nebula's eyes widened, before she said "sounds ambitious for an independent project."

"Yeah. We've already spent about 500 on sleeping pills." Kraglin said. "You know, just to get the creative juices flowin'. Hop in the ship, let's go!"

"What do you want me for?" Nebula asked, before Rocket said "well, you're gonna be one of the stars in the movie!"

"Yeah!" Kraglin said. "We need a name, and you got a name!"

"And your name is Nebula. Daughter of Thanos." Drax said, before Rocket added "yeah, and crazy assassin who's tried to kill us several times. We're not gonna put that in the credits, though."

"So, an acting gig? What does it pay?"

"We'll give y'15% of the box office." Kraglin said. "Come on in. We're shootin' now!"

Nebula chuckled, saying "alright then. Let's make a movie."

* * *

 ** _Independent Studio Lot, Xandar_**

"Alright then, Nebs. You just sit right down here in this makeup chair, okay." Kraglin said as he led Nebula into the room. She sat down in the chair, facing the bright mirror, as she said "what am I filming from here?"

"I am Groot." Groot said as he sat next to her, before Rocket said "yeah. This is just where the makeup artist tries to make you look nice for when we're shooting. Oh uh… hey. Over here, Manty."

"Am I going next?" Mantis asked as she walked over. Rocket nodded, saying "that's right, but first you gotta work your magic on your co-star here."

Mantis pressed two fingers to Nebula's head, the latter saying "wait, she's my makeup artist? What's she gonna do to m- _AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH..._ "

Nebula fell back unconscious in the chair, loudly snoring as her mouth hung open. Drax said "well, it seems she's going to be more cooperative now."

"Okay." Mantis said, before Rocket added "Nebs is probably gonna wake up in about an hour. Oh, and about the dresses, make sure you remember, too. Nebula's is blue, and yours is green. Don't get 'em mixed up, okay."

"Okay."

* * *

 _Ugghhh... where am I?_

 ** _Alright. Rocket, move it over there. Kay?_**

 _Right, you got it man!_

 ** _Okay... Manty, get into position._**

 _Oh, okay._

 ** _Drax, you ready?_**

 _I think so._

 ** _Alright. Is Nebula okay?_**

 _Where am I?_

 ** _I am Groot!_**

* * *

 ** _One hour later..._**

"Alright. We're ready guys!" Rocket said as he and Groot got behind the camera. "Hey, Neb. You ready to go?"

"Ugh..." Nebula groaned as she woke up. She looked down to see that she was wearing a sparkly blue dress, and a platinum blonde wig. She felt something soft on her chest, before seeing that tissues were stuffed into the bust of the dress.

"Why am I dressed like this?" she said, before Kraglin said "cause we're doin' a princess movie!"

"Yeah, and all the princesses dress really great and have really great tits too." Rocket said. "Now come on, we're about to start filming."

"I am Groot?" Groot said, before Rocket said "yeah, where is Mantis?"

"Here!" Mantis yelled as she ran out.

"Oh good. Drax, hold the camera!" Rocket said.

Drax held up the camera as Rocket looked through it. "Okay... camera's rolling... and... ACTION!"

Nebula and Mantis stood still for several seconds. Nebula glanced around, before turning back to the camera, and saying "what do you want me to do?"

"CUT! Perfect! Moving onto the next shooting!" Rocket said as they turned off the camera. Kraglin said "alright, Manty. Do your magic!"

"Okay!" Mantis said happily as she pressed her fingers to Nebula's head, causing her to fall unconscious again. Rocket tapped Kraglin, saying "get the ship ready. Time for some stunt work."

* * *

 _ **One hour later...**_

Nebula's eyes slowly opened, only for her to dart awake as she found herself tied to the top of a speeding M-ship, which flew at full speed close to the ground through an empty valley.

"AGH! WW-WHERE AM I!?" she said, before Kraglin said "come on, action! Fight the dragon!"

"Weeeeeeee!" Mantis cheered, as she laughed. "Ha ha ha! This is so dangerous!"

"Come on, Neb! Fight the dragon!" Rocket yelled from the driver's seat. He pulled the ship up, causing Nebula to hang in the air violently, her arms waving uncontrollably as she yelled in terror.

Kraglin zoomed the camera into her terrified face, before saying "perfect! Cut! We got it in the can! Do your magic, Manty!"

"Okay!" Mantis said as she knocked Nebula out again, before being hit off of the ship by falling debris.

* * *

 ** _One week later..._**

"Alright, Quill. Here's the final cut." Rocket said. Quill laughed, saying "okay. Let's put it on."

"Not now, Peter." Kraglin said. "We're havin' a big fancy premiere tomorrow. We rented the biggest theater on Xandar."

Quill looked at Gamora, saying "this might not have been such a great idea."


	3. Premiere

"AGH!" Nebula jolted awake, her eyes being blinded by flashing cameras. She was standing in a tight red dress in a large theater with a red carpet. On her right side was Mantis in a similar green dress, who said "smile for the camera. It makes people like you."

"Let me jus' tell y'all people. I have never worked with a more professional actress in ma life." a voice said next to her. Nebula turned to her left to see Kraglin holding his arm around her and wearing a black tuxedo.

"Nebula's a real scene-stealer in this one. She's amazin'. I've already considered puttin' her name in for the award-season campaigns." he continued. Nebula sighed, before one of the interviewers turned to her, saying **_"what was playing the role like, Nebula?"_**

She thought for a moment, before saying "I was unconscious for most of it. Yeah, I think so, yeah I was. And uh… there were firearms involved. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, I was… I was hanging from a speeding spaceship with a camera in my face."

The interviewers laughed heartily, surprising Nebula as Mantis stood next to her. Rocket came over and said "alright, everybody. The movie's starting over here. Manty, do your magic."

 _"Aw, that'd be greeeeaaattt…"_ Nebula said as Mantis touched her forehead, causing her to pass out on Kraglin's shoulder.

Rocket walked over to Quill and Gamora, saying "well, I hope you guys are ready for the best movie of all time."

"Oh, I hope we are too." Quill said, before Gamora said "Rocket, why does Drax have his arm in a sling?"

Rocket saw Drax waving to the cameras, before saying "stunt accident. It happens."

* * *

 ** _30 minutes later..._**

"AAGGHH!" Nebula shrieked as she jolted awake. She quickly glanced around, seeing that she was inside a theater room, with the large projector flashing a bright light onto a screen.

The Guardians all sat on the same row as her, with Kraglin on the seat next to her, eagerly watching the screen. Nebula then looked at the seats on the other rows, where nobody was sat down. Aside from their group, the theater was completely empty.

"What's going on?" Nebula said to Kraglin, before he, Drax and Rocket all shushed her. Groot said _"I am Groot!"_ before Rocket said _"yeah! Don't talk durin' the damn movie!"_

 _"Just watch the picture, Neb."_ Kraglin whispered as he passed her a box of popcorn. Nebula took the box, turning to watch the screen.

* * *

 _"Dragonslayer! Dragonslayer!" Mantis said. "I don't know what we can do to save the world."_

 _"aaAAAAAgggggghhhhhhJJJJMMMMMNNNNNN..." the dragonslayer moaned. "wh... wha... okay... uugghhh..."_

 _"But I know what can help, though..." Mantis said. The dragonslayer yawned, before saying "uuuggghhh... okay..."_

 _"A musical number!" Mantis said, before the woodcutter appeared, brandishing an electric guitar._

 _ **Woodcutter:** I'VE BEEN STARING AT THE EDGE OF THE WATER!_

 _LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER!_

 _NEVER REALLY KNOWING WHY!_

* * *

Groot nudged Drax, saying _"I am Groot!"_ to which Drax answered _"thanks. I was trying."_

Kraglin then nudged Nebula, excitedly saying _"this is your big moment!"_

* * *

 _The dragonslayer held a large blaster in her hand, aiming it at the dragon. "You've... harassed the world... too long, dragon!" the dragonslayer said sleepily, before firing clumsily several times, hitting the set in the background._

 _The dragon turned to the camera, saying "Rocket? Are you sure it is safe for me to be hanging from the ceiling? These wings hurt my nip... AAGGHH! She just shot me!"_

* * *

Nebula, wide-eyed at this revelation, looked down to Drax, whose cast was on the arm that she shot at. She slowly retracted back into the seat and kept watching the film.

Gamora nudged Peter as they saw this, before Peter said _"ah, you gotta get into your role."_

* * *

 _"We did it, dragonslayer. We saved the world." Mantis said. The dragonslayer slept on a rock, before jolting awake. "AGH! What... oh... oh, okay..."_

 _"You have done us all found..." the king said, before a voice whispered offscreen. He listened to the voice, saying "wait, that wasn't my line?... what was it, then... oh, proud! Okay... you've done us all proud."_

 _"I am Groot!" the wolf said as he entered, before the tree entered behind him, saying "he's right. Uggh... shit, what page are we on... oh, here... We do need a big fin... finale! Hit it, king!"_

 _The king pulled out an electric guitar as the cast started singing, Mantis holding up the dragonslayer as she started to fall asleep._

 _ **Cast (except dragonslayer):** DON'T YOU... FORGET ABOUT ME!_

 _ **Dragonslayer:** (sleepily) Ba da-da da da..._

 _Mantis then turned to the screen, saying "the end!", before quickly waving and saying "hi guys! Hope you liked the movie!"_

 ** _THE END_**

 _Directed by_

 ** _GROOT AND ROCKET_**

 _Produced by_

 ** _KRAGLIN AND DRAX_**

 _Written by_

 ** _GROOT, ROCKET AND KRAGLIN_**

 _Music by_

 ** _QUILL'S ZUNE and EARTH MUSIC FROM TV_**

 _Starring_

 ** _MANTIS_**

 _as Princess Mantis_

 ** _DRAX_**

 _as the woodcutter_

 ** _KRAGLIN_**

 _as the sorcerer_

 ** _DRAX_**

 _as the dragon_

 ** _ROCKET_**

 _as tree #3_

 _with_

 ** _DRAX_**

 _as the king_

 _and_

 ** _NEBULA_**

 ** _Daughter of Thanos and crazy assassin who's tried to kill us several times_**

 _as the Dragonslayer_

 _Guest-starring_

 ** _GROOT_**

 _as the wolf_

 _Special thanks to_

 ** _QUILL AND GAMORA_**

* * *

"Well, what'd you guys think?" Rocket said as the film finished. He turned to Groot and Drax, who were both in deep sleeps. Groot jolted awake, as Drax yawned and said "oh good. It's finally over."

Quill looked to Gamora, who shrugged, before turning back and saying "oh... it was great! Really good movie."

"Oh, fantastic!" Kraglin said. "Cause we're already working on a sequel too!"

"WHAT!" Quill, Gamora and Nebula shrieked. Gamora then said "Kraglin, the movie only sold eight tickets."

"Yeah, but that's eight tickets we'd never have sold if we'd never made that movie!"

Nebula groaned, before saying "Mantis... I need your magic again..."


End file.
